Random Thought of the Day

If you were to die tomorrow would you be happy with the life you lived?

Sexual Relationships Simplified!

My friend posted this on his blog, and I decided to steal it and share it with all of my readers.

Let me just say that after I saw this series of pictures, I’ll never look at King Size Sharpies or my pen drawer the same again.

This makes it seem so easy! Boy/Girl, Blue/Red; Straight/Gay; Gang Bang, Endowed.

What it doesn’t show is the pen’s emotional wounds and bruises or the baggage that each pen carries with them from bad relationships with old pens. If only it was as easy as this picture.

Sexual Relationships with Pens

Under-Appreciated: Butt Rubs

Want to know what I could go for right now? A good butt rub. What? You don’t like getting your butt rubbed? Or even worse, you’ve never had your butt rubbed? You Poor Soul! You don’t know what you’re missing, my friend!

A good butt rub is as relaxing as laying down on a warm beach, drink in hand, and having someone cover you in suntan lotion. It’s as good as getting a full night’s rest. It could alleviate all the stress from your day and could even put you to sleep.

Ahhh.. I could go for one right now.

If you are interested in giving or receiving a good butt rub, here are some GREAT techniques:

1. The Spider: With your fingers spread apart, push your finger tips into the butt cheek. Then, with your fingers still pushed into the butt muscle, pull your fingers together. Repeat. You can also modify this technique by twisting your wrist right and left at the same time.
2. The Palm and Spread-em: With a flat palm, press your hand into the butt cheek close to the gluteal cleft (butt crack.) Then, with your palm still pressed into the butt muscle, drag your hand to the outside of the butt cheek and stop at the upper thigh muscle. Repeat. The real way to perform The Palm and Spread-em is to use both hands on both butt cheeks.
3. Needing To Knead: This technique is similar to what a cat does to get comfortable. Pull your fingers together on both hands. Then press the finger tips of your right hand into the butt muscle. Then lift your right hand, and press the finger tips of your left hand into the muscle. Repeat. Make sure to press in different areas of the butt muscle so you are not just massage one spot.
4. The Push and Circle: With a flat palm, press your fingers into the butt cheek then make a small circle. Repeat. Again, make sure to lift your hand and move to different areas of the butt muscle so you are not just massage one spot.
5. The Pet: This technique is similar to how you would pet one of your animals. With a cupped palm, lay your hand on the outside of the butt cheek. Then with your palm still on the cheek, move your hand to the other side.
6. The Scratch: This one comes naturally to the majority of men. With your finger tips on the butt cheek, drag your nails from one side to the other. Repeat. You can modify this technique by scratching in a circular motion.

I truly hope that these techniques will inspire you to give and receive a great butt rub in the near future.

Litterer!

Yesterday on my walk into work from the garage I watched a girl walking towards me drop garbage on the ground. My eye started twitching. I wanted to run over there and do one of the following:

1. Ask her to pick it up.
2. Pick it up and hand it to her saying, “Mam’ you dropped this.”
3. Make a scene by picking it up and saying very loudly, “Oh, don’t worry lady, I’ll pick that up for you.”
4. Make a scene by walking up to her and saying, “You *$%$#*# #$*#(#%$, #&$%*$%, &$(#%*# and I better not &($%(*#$%$ see you litter again.” (By the way, those symbols didn’t really spell out something, just making a point.)

People like that make me sick and make cities like Hartford, with all of its beautiful art and architecture, look like a dump.

What the Connecticut town governments need to do is enforce the no littering laws like you see on the highways. So that piece of wax paper that you used to keep your fingers clean while you ate your 875 calorie Dunkin Donuts bagel with cream cheese this morning, just cost you 150 bucks, bitch.

Another idea is that on every corner of every sidewalk in every town or city they have a trashcan. Not just any trashcan, but ones like I saw all over the train stations in Germany. They all have openings for paper, plastic, glass, and everything else.

Since the whole United States is really pushing to go More Green, it’s about time that the government steps in and purchases items such as those trashcans to make our country a cleaner place. It would cost a significant amount, but it would create jobs! How? Jobs for individuals to collect the trashcans weekly and make sure that people separated their garbage correctly.

I don’t know. I needed to vent about this. Does anyone agree with me?

Over-Estimated: The Last Snowstorm in Connecticut

I really don’t have to say much here. If you lived in Connecticut and heard all of the weathermen saying “It’s going to be bad! 12+ inches in some parts. Batten down the hatches! Storms-ah-brewin’!”

They closed the schools. They let the state workers out in shifts on Wednesday. I took the day off at the suggestion of my boss.

And then… Nothing.

Actually Scot Haney, weatherman at WFSB, had Teresa Labarbera smashed an egg on his forehead because his forecast was incorrect. Not only did this cause egg to go everywhere, but it also gave Scot a nosebleed.

I know pretty much everywhere else got hit really bad, but not here. And now it’s melted.

Over-Looked: The Toilet Seat

This is an important public announcement:

Remember to look down at the toilet seat before you sit! There can be a variety of “decorations” that can be present if you do not take that extra second before you rest your warm cheeks on the cold plastic circle.

Lets discuss the things we may see on the toilet seat shall we?

Hair from someone else’s head

Pubic hair

Butt hair

Water droplets

Pee

Poop

Blood (gross, but I’ve heard of this happening)

Semen (again, gross but I’ve heard of this happening)

Clean toilet paper

Used toilet paper

Normally I look at all toilet seats whether I am going to sit or squat. Unfortunately on one occasion I didn’t whip the seat off as well as I should have and I stood up with my butt feeling damp. Not a good day! I ran to the sink to get a damp paper towel to wash.

Ugh, why don’t guys have these problems? Want to know why? Because they don’t care. They’ll just pee all over the seat, floor and walls if they want to.

Do not over-look the toilet seat on your next bathroom visit. And remember the saying “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seatie.” Thanks.

Over-Rated: Adam Lambert

Again, Sorry Mom.

Originally, I was a huge fan of Adam Lambert. My mom and I cheered him on during American Idol Season 8. I had a bit of a little girl crush on him, and I think my mom did too, but we questioned his sexuality from the start. But we didn’t care what way the swinged, just as long as he singed. His voice was so good it was startling. I downloaded the covers he sang during the season and fell in love with his renditions of Aerosmith’s “Crazy” and Muse’s “Feeling Good.”

He was robbed I tell you, at the end of Season 8. But thought that he was better off going out on his own and not having to follow the rules of the label of American Idol.

Well…

Then he made out with some dude and rubbed another guy’s face in his crotch during his performance at the American Music Awards in 2009.

And I am all for LGBT rights, and sure, public displays of affection are sometimes ok.

But after people started bitching about his “performance” he just went all “I don’t care what anyone else says about me. I do what I want.”

Woah Woah Woah. The average person can say that, but unfortunately when you are in the limelight, you gotta keep your head in the game. Work with your agent to make sure you do things that will keep you around for a while. This stunt, and his reaction were a big No No in my book.

Thumbs Down, Adam Lambert.

Over-Rated.

Updated: February 11, 2010 – Don’t get me wrong, I still think that Mr. Lambert is very very talented, he just needs to check his Tude at the door.

Over-Looked, Over-Played, Over-Rated, Under Appreciated, and more

I’ve been thinking about starting a new series of blog posts entitled one or more of the following: Over-Looked, Over-Played, Over-Rated, Under Appreciated, among others.

In regards to this chain of posts I invite and encourage you to write your opinion about what you read. If you do not, I will continue to write nonsense that might seem bias, one-sided, or completely incorrect. If you feel different, tell me. And don’t just say, “You’re wrong, Shelby.” Tell me why I’m wrong, give me examples, etc. etc. Like a book report. If you feel the same, fantastic. Help improve our newfound friendship and my blog by again, posting examples, etc. etc.

What should you expect to read about?

Hmmm….

Lambert

Over-Looked: The Taint (Per the suggestion of Corey)

Over-Played: Owl City “Fireflies”

Over-Rated: Adam Lambert (Sorry Mom)

Under Appreciated: Being 25 and living with your parents

I can come up with a 100 more of these easily, so just stay tuned.

Pee Question

I’m amazed at the stuff I come up with when I’m bored…

Dear Shelby,

I have always had a problem using public restrooms. Do you have any advice to scare away this fear?

-“Still Holding It In”, Leicester, Massachusetts

Hello Friend,

Ever since I was in Elementary school till about two years ago I was also afraid of public restrooms. I’m not sure what my overwhelming fear was – Someone walking in on me with my undies around my ankles, having someone hear my steady pee stream, the thought of all the other butt cheeks that have sat on that toilet seat? Well, actually it was probably a mixture of all three of those things.

It wasn’t until I saw the MythBusters episode # 39,  where Adam and Jaime tested whether food was still edible after picking it up off the floor in less than five seconds that I lost my fear of public toilets. I know, I know what you’re thinking – “What does that have anything to do with peeing in public”?

Well, part of the experiment was that Adam and Jaime tested the amount of bacteria on food if dropped in different areas of your house. Out of all of the different areas around your house that you could accidently drop a piece of food, the toilet seat proved to be the cleanest.

Now I’m not telling you that you should go around rubbing your PB&J on your toilet seat and licking it off. That’s disgusting and I can’t believe you would even think of doing that.

If you cannot do your business in a public restroom because you’re “Shy,” well just remember the chances of you seeing anyone again from that bathroom is slim.

It would be cool to pee at one of these places!!

But at least you’re not peeing here:

Beads

In September I embarked on a new venture in my life, Adult Sex Toy Parties. If you have been reading my blog for a while, you may remember my “I Have No Life” post when I announced my new career. Since I began consulting men and women on ways to improve their sex life, I have heard some interesting stories.

One fun toy that I show at my parties is a set of jelly anal beads. Now if you have been to one of my parties or are knowledgeable about the proper use of such beads you would know to insert and remove the beads one by one, and not like a lawnmower!

So you would understand me being in hysterics when I saw this post:

FAIL